'Why does my toddler … ?' Your kiddo's most confounding behavior, decoded

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Parenting a two yr outdated is such a wild experience. The opposite day, my son began the morning with an explosion of cuddles, adopted instantly by refusing the blueberry muffins he had declared his very favourite the week earlier than. As soon as we made it via breakfast, the day by day Battle of Placing on Footwear was nonetheless forward!

Generally, I really feel like I am taking part in a recreation of emotional ping pong with my child. And that may be exhausting for each me and him to handle.

Quick-changing emotions and defiant conduct are developmentally applicable for one to a few yr olds, says pediatric psychologist Roger Harrison. They seem to be a method of constructing your child's sense of self — and understanding their place on the earth.

However for folks, they'll usually be a supply of frustration, he says. When tantrums and energy struggles come up from these feelings, it may be straightforward for us adults to lose our endurance.

Reframing your toddler's boundary-pushing as a way of social and emotional studying may provide some aid, says Harrison, a division chief inside the division of kid and adolescent psychiatry at Youngsters's Hospital of Philadelphia.

"Once we perceive the 'why' of sure behaviors and place them inside an applicable developmental context, it permits dad and mom to step again from the emotion and tackle the conduct strategically," he says.

Harrison and different little one growth specialists reply questions on widespread toddler behaviors — and provide recommendation on the right way to reply within the state of affairs.

Why does my toddler … say "NO!" to every thing, even to issues they like? A toddler's contrarian nature is simply par for the course at this stage of growth, says Harrison. Along with creating extra language and cognitive and motor abilities at lightning velocity, they're simply starting to grasp that they're their very own distinctive particular person separate from their caregivers. With this new consciousness comes a necessity to check boundaries so as to set up independence.

"A part of that strategy of determining who I'm is to be taught me in opposition to all of the issues on the earth," he says.

So in case your toddler offers you a powerful "NO!" to his favourite popsicle or e book earlier than bedtime, what he could be truly doing is attempting to flex his newly found self-awareness. His "no" may translate to, "Verify this out, Mommy! I am an individual with my very own thoughts and opinions now!"

⭐ Mother or father tip: What must you do when you want your little one to say "sure" to, say, brushing their enamel, getting of their automotive seat or leaving the playground?

Mannequin a peaceful response, then kindly however firmly allow them to know what is going on to occur subsequent, says Jamie Glowacki, a parenting and potty coaching coach and the writer of Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler. You may say: Sure, we do want to depart the playground. You'll be able to both go down the slide another time and stroll out with me, or I can carry you out proper now.

Why does my toddler … say every thing is "mine"? <img src="https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims3/default/strip/false/crop/2000x2000+0+0/resize/1100/quality/50/format/jpeg/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2F52%2Fbc%2F10abc8194f8586a8c5add4b57cbd%2F5-lk-magical-parenting-mine-mine.jpg" data-template="https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims3/default/strip/false/crop/2000x2000+0+0/resize/{width}/quality/{quality}/format/{format}/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2F52%2Fbc%2F10abc8194f8586a8c5add4b57cbd%2F5-lk-magical-parenting-mine-mine.jpg" class="img" alt="An illustrated comic shows a mother down on the floor with her toddler. The child has placed pink sticky notes that read "mine" on everything in sight, including: a stuffed teddy bear, a xylophone, a coffee mug, a toddler shoe, an adult shoe, and the mother's forehead. " loading="lazy"/>

In Toddlerland, "the principles of possession are completely different," Harrison says. "If it is mine, it is mine. If it is yours and I need it, it is also mine."

As a baby begins to construct their identification and independence, they're going to usually attempt to exert management over their surroundings via possession, Harrison says. It helps them perceive themselves and their attachments on the earth.

For instance: my mother has black hair, so I've black hair. My sister has a cool toy, so I've a cool toy. I'm a child with black hair and a cool toy! Mine, mine, mine! By making claims like these, a toddler can take a look at the boundaries of their surroundings to higher outline who they're.

So in case your toddler claims each e book within the library is hers or refuses to share even her least favourite stuffie on her playdate — do not stress, says Harrison. She's not being egocentric, she's simply stretching out that newfound sense of self.

⭐ Mother or father tip: In order for you your child to share, mannequin then follow the conduct, says early childhood educator Chazz Lewis. For instance, within the aftermath of a toy dispute with one other little one on the playground, educate your toddler to ask for a flip by reaching your palm out assertively and saying, "flip, please," he says. Do just a few follow rounds earlier than sending them again out to play.

Why does my toddler … wish to lick/smash/crash into every thing? <img src="https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims3/default/strip/false/crop/2000x2000+0+0/resize/1100/quality/50/format/jpeg/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2F25%2F8a%2Fb0f386ce4132868a53f62940ff07%2F2-lk-magical-parenting-mystery-of-the-sippy-cup.jpg" data-template="https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims3/default/strip/false/crop/2000x2000+0+0/resize/{width}/quality/{quality}/format/{format}/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2F25%2F8a%2Fb0f386ce4132868a53f62940ff07%2F2-lk-magical-parenting-mystery-of-the-sippy-cup.jpg" class="img" alt="An illustrated comic shows a father kneeling down in the floor with his toddler daughter, they are both examining a sippy cup overturned in a puddle of spilt milk. The dad is wearing a classic detective hat, looking at the milk through a magnifying glass and saying, "It's time to solve the mystery of the spilt sippy cup." " loading="lazy"/>

Does your toddler like to spill each container they'll get their arms on, lick colourful wallpaper or bounce in opposition to your lounge prefer it's a life-size pinball machine?

They could merely be attempting to achieve some sensory details about their environment, says Layne Deyling Cherland, a longtime preschool teacher-turned-content creator who focuses on adult-toddler dynamics.

To them, each motion and interplay is an opportunity to collect extra information about themselves and the way issues work. "What's me and what's not me? What impact do I've on the world? That is what all this experimenting is," says Deyling Cherland.

They could even be craving proprioceptive enter, just like the deep stress gained from tight hugs or the strength-building from climbing on playground tools, she says.

Toddlers crave a majority of these sensory experiences partially as a result of it builds up their inner sense of place and motion, which is essential for coordination, stability and even self-regulation.

⭐ Mother or father tip: So long as she's secure, let your toddler discover, says Deyling Cherland. Embracing weirdness or silliness could be a possibility for connection and a key to disrupting energy struggles.

Make an impediment course with pillows and stuffies to get these zoomies out, then race via it collectively. Dole out some new or favourite snacks into separate bowls and have your choosy eater play a recreation of blind taste-testing.

Why does my toddler … maintain doing that factor I instructed them to not do 100 instances? <img src="https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims3/default/strip/false/crop/2000x2000+0+0/resize/1100/quality/50/format/jpeg/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2F56%2Fb3%2Fea4dd6154cc9aef4151be92eb802%2F4-lk-magical-parenting-walking-in-their-shoes.jpg" data-template="https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims3/default/strip/false/crop/2000x2000+0+0/resize/{width}/quality/{quality}/format/{format}/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2F56%2Fb3%2Fea4dd6154cc9aef4151be92eb802%2F4-lk-magical-parenting-walking-in-their-shoes.jpg" class="img" alt="An illustrated comic shows a mother trying to walk with her toes shoved into tiny toddler shoes. She looks at her husband and toddler daughter who are staring at her from the couch, and she says, "There's this theory about walking a mile in their shoes ..." " loading="lazy"/>

No operating within the kitchen! I stated, do not run within the kitchen! You have got 10 seconds to cease operating within the kitchen otherwise you're in large hassle, missy!

If you happen to're repeating your self a bunch along with your toddler, you've got doubtless already misplaced management of the state of affairs, says Glowacki.

From a comprehension standpoint, your common toddler does not but grasp the idea of negation, Lewis says. So once you say do not run within the kitchen, what your little one is extra more likely to perceive from that sentence is: run within the kitchen.

Extra importantly, merely telling a child what you do not need them to do does not give them any instruments for the right way to behave efficiently sooner or later, he says.

⭐ Mother or father tip: As an alternative of telling your toddler what they're doing flawed, educate them the right way to resolve the issue or what they need to do as an alternative, says Lewis. In order for you your child to cease operating within the kitchen, you may say, "stroll slowly within the kitchen." Or perhaps, "please stroll slowly and gently on the tile flooring so you do not damage your self."

"Now, there's an opportunity they could truly do one thing completely different this time," Lewis says.

Why does my toddler … hate switching actions? <img src="https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims3/default/strip/false/crop/2000x2000+0+0/resize/1100/quality/50/format/jpeg/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2F47%2F77%2Ff2182c8846ec917a06e4c554202f%2F3-lk-magical-parenting-ketchup-or-mayo.jpg" data-template="https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims3/default/strip/false/crop/2000x2000+0+0/resize/{width}/quality/{quality}/format/{format}/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2F47%2F77%2Ff2182c8846ec917a06e4c554202f%2F3-lk-magical-parenting-ketchup-or-mayo.jpg" class="img" alt="An illustrated comic shows a toddler wearing a suit and tie sitting in a high chair at a table with a plate of broccoli, fish sticks and French fries in front of him. Two adult hands enter from the left of the frame, one holding ketchup and the other holding mayo, and text reads: "Ketchup or mayo?" The toddler responds, "Let me circle back to you on that." " loading="lazy"/>

Get up! Change garments! Eat breakfast! Toddlers are bossed round all day lengthy, usually with little understanding and even much less say of their day by day schedule.

Whereas toddlers thrive on routine and consistency, transitioning from one job to a different could be irritating, Glowacki says. The break in continuity could be unsettling, particularly after they're immersed in an exercise that provides them a way of consolation and independence, like playtime or bathtub time. These moments are additionally one of many only a few items of the world she will exert any company over, in order that lack of management can really feel acute.

Add to that starvation, sleepiness, overstimulation — day by day elements that may stress out another human — and people transition durations can change into triggers for unstable feelings and tantrums, she says.

⭐ Mother or father tip: The subsequent time your toddler throws a match about transitioning from playtime to dinnertime, attempt to keep in mind that the change is big for her, says Glowacki.

Put just a little energy again into her arms by providing two optimistic decisions, Lewis says. For instance: Blue plate or purple plate? Juice or milk? This provides her company however permits you to safely steer her the place she must go.

"The objective of toddlerhood is to offer a baby manageable items of private energy to follow with," Deyling Cherland says. "We wish them to have practiced sufficient in order that when they're this younger grownup going out into the world, they know, 'That is how I make selections. My selections do have an effect on different individuals.' "

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib, with artwork route by Beck Harlan. We would love to listen to from you. Depart us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or e-mail us at LifeKit@npr.org.